Blood Drips Heavily off Gryffindor Tower
by Darc-lover
Summary: Lockhart sneaks his way into Hogwarts. When the sorting hat informs him that he is too old to go to school, he vows "If I can't be in Gryffindor, nodody can!" Hilarity ensues. Rating for language, adult themes, and amusing character deaths.
1. Prologue

**Authors notes and disclaimer:**

I do not own the Harry Potter Universe or characters. They belong to the genius that is JK Rowling. The idea for the story comes from the short film "Blood Drips Heavily on Newsies Square", which I assume is owned by Michael Goorjian, the director, as it is only available for purchase as a friend found it and asked to sell it. If you get a chance to buy it and like Newsies, do so. Hilarious movie, well worth $20. I am going to quote the movie quite often, as it will always amuse me. Also, this is a comedy/parody like the original Blood Drips, but I'm putting more background into it than the original, so the first two chapters are rather serious. Hang with me, the amusing parts will be coming. This story is AU as it ignores the epilogue, but it is otherwise cannon. Don't like, don't read. Rating is for language, adult themes, and, surprisingly humorous, character death.

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Prologue

From the writer of the Newsies Backlot Genocide, comes the excruciating horror tale of a man, pushed to the edge of destiny. Torn between right and wrong, morals and ethics, fiction and reality, creation and destruction, up or down, right or left, stop or go, yes or no, spit or swallow! A man! Strangled with humiliation, self pity and insanity, confronted fear itself, and laughed in it's face. This man, driven forth to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, with a need so tremendously filled with passion and desire, he would stop at no length to accomplish his task!

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Gilderoy Lockhart knew very little of his life before living in St. Mungo's. He knew he had once been the winner of Witch Weekly's "Most Charming Smile" award. He knew that women across the country, and maybe the world, had at one time loved him. He did not know his own age. From the calenders he ticked days off of and stored after they were finished, he knew he had been living at the hospital for about five years. Possibly more or less as he wasn't sure the calenders he counted were all his or if he was missing any. For women to have loved him, he ad to be older than four. Maybe he was six when he got here, that would make him seven, no twelve, no eleven.

Eleven! Even he knew eleven was an important age. At eleven any proper witch or wizard started at Hogwarts. He had checked with the nurses, and he was definitely a wizard, he even double checked he wasn't a witch. He also learned that the Hogwarts Express left on September first at 11 am. He checked his calender, and double checked with the nurse, it was now August 31st. Tomorrow he was going to Hogwarts!

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AN: I do have the next couple chapters written already, but I decided to just do a teaser. Hope you enjoyed it, if so, let me know. If not, you can let me know as well but I use flames to roast marshmellows or apples depending on how healthy I want to be.


	2. Gilderoy Lockhart

Authors Note: I know that this and the prologue are both really short. Sorry, I'm setting up the story, and really don't want to change Point of Views in the middle of chapters. Next chapter is already written and will be up tomorrow. I'm hoping to have my new chapter written by Friday, but it may be Saturday, I was having trouble with a part. Either way, it shouldn't be too long.

Disclaimer: Characters and setting belong to the wonderful JK Rowling, who has set so many imaginations aflame. The plot is based (rather closely) off of Blood Drips Heavily on Newsies Square, which I assume belongs to Michael Goorjian, the director. If not, I do apologize to whoever it does belong to. I also have quotations from the original Blood Drips scattered about, none in this chapter that I can remember.

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Gilderoy Lockhart slipped out of his ward easily, the nurses rarely paid much attention to him as the others in the ward needed a lot more help than he did. He made his way to Kings Cross Station, asking people as he walked through the big city. They suggested "cabs" or "the tube" but he knew he had no money. Finally someone gave him a "tube pass" and sent him down telling him which "line to take". He must have followed the directions fairly well as he was standing in front of large black trains fairly quickly. His nurse had told him the previous day that to get to the Hogwarts Express one must go to platform 9 ¾. He had some trouble finding it, but finally did when he saw someone disapear through the bricks between platforms nine and ten. He went to put his hand up to the it and was surprised when he fell through. The giant red train was just leaving as he hopped on, hiding out in one of the bathrooms, leaving an "out of order" sign displayed on the door. He may not have his memory anymore, but he had been a Slytherin and the cunning never left.

He amused himself during the ride by listening to the children who past by through the closed door. A group of first years had taken post outside the door and were discussing the houses at Hogwarts. He decided this was highly important information and paid extra attention. He listened to them describe Ravenclaw's studious nature, and realized that couldn't be him. He didn't remember ever studying. Then they talked of Hufflepuff's loyalty and kindheartedness, that definitely wasn't him. He wasn't even loyal to the nurses. Gryffindors were brave. That could be him, he was brave. If he wasn't he wouldn't be hiding in this bathroom. Lastly, they discussed Slytherin. Slytherins were sneaky, oooh, he was definitely sneaky. But wait, they had just added evil. He couldn't remember ever being evil. He must be a Gryffindor! He giggled to himself when one young girl complained that she could never be in Gryffindor because "the red and yellow ties will make me look horrible. Blue really is my color."

A rough plan was quickly formed. Sneak out of the bathroom when the train stopped. Get through the castle gates. Follow a group of students with red and yellow ties and sit with the other Gryffindors. He didn't know how they were supposed to be "sorted" but he knew he was a Gryffindor so it didn't matter.

When the train stopped, he waited until he no longer heard anyone moving through the cabin of the train before departing his bathroom. He walked, trying to look as non-chalant as possible, to the carriaged being pulled by the scary winged horses. They looked creepy but youngsters were getting into the carriages without giving the creatures a second looks so they had to be safe. He snuck into the last carriage, which was almost full of really young looking children, younger looking than him. They gave each other weird looks before someone whispered "teacher". The children were on their best behavior, though they did talk a bit, up to the castle while Gilderoy tried to figure out where the teacher was hiding.

When the carriage stopped, he tried to stay in the shadows as he slouched up the way into the castle, scouring the necks of the students to find yellow and red, finally he noticed a group of red heads with red and yellow ties on their necks. If he followed them he'd be fine! They went into what seemed to be a giant dining room, that looked like it had no ceiling as he could see the stars, and sat down at a long table. He sat down at the same table, not with them, but with younger looking students who pointedly ignored him. Gilderoy thought this was just fine with him, and ignored him as he heard names called and watched an old tattered hat be put on children's head. The hat would then call out one of the names he knew denoted the houses. Soon he noticed a very tall man coming towards him. When the man asked him to come with him, Gilderoy did without protest, figuring he was in trouble for not allowing the hat to sort him. Not that it mattered, he was obviously a Gryffindor.


	3. Minerva McGonagall

Authors Note and Disclaimer: This chapter took so much longer to get up than I expected. Sadly, life happens. I'm working full time, on top of the babysitting I do, and the kids I babysit had another death in the family, and my husband was in the hospital. So I didn't get to do what I planned on doing. But next chapter is halfway written, so it shouldn't be too long. The characters belong to the wonderful JK Rowling. The main plot belongs to the awesome Newsies Cast who obviously had so much fun making the original. Reviews are appreciated, but not necessary. Flames are welcomed to stoke the fires of my creativity. Wow, that sounds even more cheesy than expected.

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Minerva McGonagall looked up from her seat at the Head Table as Proffessor Filius Flitwick brought the first years through the Great Hall. She smiled at them, subtly, as headmistress it was her job to make sure they felt safe and comfortable. She looked at her head boy over at the Ravenclaw table. Justin was a good student, but she barely knew him. Her eyes slid up the Gryffindor table look for a shock of red. Her head girl, Hermione Granger, would definitely be sitting with the Weasleys, who would be easy to find with their characteristic red hair. She smiled to herself, glad that Harry Potter, Ronald Weasley, and Hermione Granger were among the students to come back to take their seventh year now that the war was over and the Dark Lord was vanquished. She was not happy to see George Weasly had returned as well, obviously at Molly insistence, knowing he would make her year interesting as he took classes and ran his joke shop by owl. Being of age, the students who had returned had their choice of living in the towers or getting flats in Hogsmeade, as some had taken most classes already and were taking only minimal course loads. All had chosen the dorms, but every week were a Hogsmeade trip for them, the students who were supposed to be in their seventh year or younger had normal living arrangements and Hogsmeade rules. Minervas eyes widened as she noticed a blonde man sitting at the Gryffindor table, he stood out as the Weasley boys were the only students as tall as him.

"Gilderoy Lockhart?" she mumbled to herself as she motioned for Hagrid to come to her. "I don't know how he got there, but please escort Mr. Lockhart to my office to await me. I need to stay for the feast."

Hagrid nodded and she watched as he walked Gilderoy out of the hall, surprised that the unexpected man had not put up a fight. Filius led the sorting ceremony and she smiled and nodded as necessary, but her mind was on other things.

How had Gilderoy Lockhart gotten out of St. Mungo's? More importantly, how had he gotten into Hogwarts? Did she need to update the security? The school was built with an ancietn magic, so even though it was basically destroyed in the final battle, it was back to normal within a month as it had rebuilt itself. Everyone had assumed the security had stayed the same, but maybe it hadn't. She may need to test the apparition wards after she dealt with him. After Filius was finished, she stood to make a speech, making sure to shoot the remaining Weasley Twin a look as she mentioned the prohibited items.

As she ate, she considered her options for Gilderoy. Should she call St. Mungo's through the floo in her office, or would it be a bad idea to let him know what she was doing? All fireplaces in the school could be used for communication to the outside world, but that wasn't common knowledge so she didn't want the students to see her do it. Only the one in her office could be used for travel, so the healers would need to come through there. Maybe she should move him. Could a couple healers even get him back? Maybe she should lend them Hagrid to help get him back, the half giant could definitely handle the former proffesor. She smiled to herself again as she heard a line from her favorite muggle movie in her head "I am the brute squad." She had a softness for muggle movies and treated herself to going to the cinemas every other week and watching a video each night to de-stress after a hard day teaching. She was so lost in thought that she was surprised when the food around her disappeared. She couldn't even remember what she had just eaten, or if she even had.

She waited until Hermione and Justin had hurded the students to their respective houses before hurrying to her own office. After mumbling the password, "Monty Python", she entered her office to see Gilderoy having a conversation with the sorting hat, obviously Filius had brought it up after the sorting.

"If I can't be in Gryffindor, nobody can!" Gilderoy shouted. Minerva didn't take his outburst seriously, he had lost his memory but had never been evil. She asked him about why he was at Hogwarts, a little surprised by his logic. She decided he wasn't really a threat to anyone so she had the Room of Requirement transform itself into a dorm for him, in Gryffindor colors, as she went to call the healers of St. Mungo's. When they said no one would be able to get him till Saturday, she didn't worry about it. It was only two days away, and what could a man with no memory do in such a short time? It was a busy castle, the teachers could keep an eye out for him in the meantime.


End file.
